I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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