Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
