Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
How's work?
Spinning.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
