Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
