I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
