I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize