i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I want a musical about memes.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
