I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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