so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
