is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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