If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
