Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
