she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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