If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
