His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
