She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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