I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
