i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
