mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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