Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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