I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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