wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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