Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
