Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
