well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
what day is it and did you see me today?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
