I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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