dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
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