So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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