Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
