This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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