ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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