Heybabeimwearingurpanties
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
