if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize