Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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