what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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