Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
