i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
