i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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