so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The Olympian is in my bed
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
