You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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