now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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