I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm at about main and main street
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
