we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
