The maid of honor just puked.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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