I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
