The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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