1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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