I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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