Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
