she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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