If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
