My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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