Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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