Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
