we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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