shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
