He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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