My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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