Plan B is the new Plan A
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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