i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
