my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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